for the past two months, it's my first time to struggle with work to the point of giving up. ever since my first job, i've never felt this much pressure and exhaustion. i had a workload which demanded more than what i believe i can handle. expectations were very high - from my family, my team mates, and my boss and the customers especially.

when i started working for this team, i took advantage of the time learning the new stuff and enjoyed every single moment of it. i so love my job that i voluntarily work even during the weekends just so i could do more during the weekdays and also to keep myself busy. a friend once asked, "jacky, is it worth it?," and my answer was, "yes, because i love what i do." if i were to choose between doing something and get paid for it versus not doing anything and still getting paid for it, i'd choose the former than the latter. everything was fine until i started feeling the pressure.

the first time i felt so much pressure was when i was held responsible of my team's delivery when i was also dealing with my own set of deliverables. i guess that i'm not a team player since i couldn't work with tasks that involves another person and myself and i can't manage people. i find it hard to trust and delegate tasks to others because i fear that they cannot deliver and i'm accountable for it. i especially find it hard to delegate when time is at stake because i have to spend extra time and effort to instruct, test and correct somebody else's work apart from my own. so the pressure is on.

expectations came in altogether. my family expects me to give more and more support on their needs. my team expects me to delegate tasks and provide the solution for them. my boss expects me to keep up and make customers happy. the customers expects me to deliver quality service and product. i feel the pressure because i worry of what if i cannot meet all these expectations - how would these people feel if i couldn't give them what they need? i worry of failing my part to meet these expectations and i fear to fail.

i'm so weird because i worry too much. too much that i end up feeling so down and inferior to myself. i'd ask myself if i'm good enough. i'd ask myself whether my best is enough. and weirdly enough, i'd think and feel like quitting because i'm no good. i know, it's pathetic! self-pitty is pathetic. i'd always regard those who self-pitties as pathetic people which i unconsciously do when i feel so down. but thank God i am able to pull myself together. not fully but thankful enough that i realize how pathetic i am.

i watched a sermon in the internet last sunday and it reminded me not to dwell in fear and worry. that was when i realize that i was being pathetic. i feel the pressure just because of the fears and worries i always think about when all it does is just to let me down. i could instead do something about those fears and worries to lessen the pressure to myself and keep me going forward than patheticly whining and pittying myself.

one definition that the sermon described worry as was to torment oneself with disturbing thoughts and right enough was what i was going through for the past two months. today, i asked to take a leave off from work for a week because i'm all burned out. i went to find peace and lessen the pressure i'm feeling because i fear that i might instantly quit in the middle of this pathetic me. i still can't help to worry and check my emails about the customers not being happy. but as i saw some exchange of emails between my boss and my team regarding the tasks i have in plate, it gives me relief and not worry. i guess i'll just have to trust them in keeping customers happy.

true is also with God. i just need to let God take care of everything for me and i won't have anything to worry about. He gives me relief. He gives me peace. My only part is to trust and have faith in Him.

john 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

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Comments (1)

• | 2011-03-09 21:58:33 Earl the Pearl  - TSK TSK TSK
  Hmmmm... kaya kaayo eh... Pringles graduate gud ka. Balik sa dinhi sa Polomolok kay tangal na' tanan imong pressure.

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