still and numbed, i've been staring at my laptop for hours now.. remembering flashes of my memory is the only way i'd feel calmed and relaxed for the past week.. if only time could stop, i'd prefer to remain like this forever..

for the first time in an almost three years that i've been away from home, i finally felt homesick, lonely and alone.. and yet, my pride is still convincing me that i am okay and that all i need is just to harden my heart so not to feel weak..

hardening the heart is pretty easy for me.. ever since i was a child, i never felt being protected by someone.. and i mean never.. the strong, prided person that i am now is the only person who protected myself against both physical and emotional hurt that i am a victim of while growing up.. and this strong person protected me my whole life by teaching me not to depend on others, by teaching me how to decide for myself, and by teaching me how to harden my heart on decisions that require emotions..

i am okay, and i should be okay.. i am 2,000 miles away from home and i can only depend on myself to feel such.. however, the feeling of loneliness is still there.. trying to take away that feeling, i've involved myself to situations that i am new of.. attending bible study, volunteering in the church, learning how to play the guitar, learning how to cook, travelling alone and/or with friends to other cities, clubbing, hard drinking, etc. all of these i am motivated to pursue just to take that loneliness off my heart.. but none has succeed..

i just guess that the feeling of loneliness will always be there and that all i can do is just remain protective of myself to keep me strong and let myself do what i can do not worrying about how i feel.. after all, making oneself happy is difficult to do for most of us.. perhaps i am not alone when i say i am lonely..

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Comments (3)

• | 2010-09-25 10:01:03 Terry Miller  - Protecting youself?
  I'm a fellow salesforce guy who ran into you on linkedin a month or two back. I stumbled across your name again and followed it to your blogs. When you're not being serious, you're quite funny. Just one piece of advice on this blog if I may? The last paragraph about protecting yourself will keep you lonely. It's when you let your gaurd down and let others in you'll find the love you talk about in your writings. That love doesn't have to come from man. It can come from an inner peace of knowing who you are in Christ but you have to let go of yourself to allow God to do His work in your life. God bless you!

• | 2010-09-25 22:15:16 prettynerd
  thank you for the comment.. yes, i believe so that inner peace can be found only through Christ Jesus! PTL! i've been walking with Him not too long yet and am in the process of spiritual growth.. now that you reminded me of my blog from the past, i realize how i changed or should i say how God has changed me.. and i fully agree with you that love does not necessarily come from man! it's been a while since i've been to my past and i really feel great being single now - with boys drooling around me.. haha.. kidding aside, i've found inner healing and peace within after i met and understood the life of Jesus.. God bless you too! it's not everyday that i get comments from people who knows my Father.. thank you!

• | 2010-09-27 11:03:41 Terry Miller
  I hope I wasn't out of line making the suggesting. I actually felt a bit convicted about it after writing it. Thanks for being gracious in your response.

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